Dear
I have been thinking about you a lot lately. For the past couple of months journaling here has helped quell my desire to murder you. It is most definitely a stress reliever for me on those days when you and Anthony are reaching new levels of ridiculous and offensive behavior.
But in the past week, I must say, you have irked me to the point where I feel the need to address you directly. And although you will never actually read this letter, I think just getting the words out will make me feel better.
First of all, I want to thank you for your display of manners last week. It began in that meeting when I made a suggestion and you scoffed out loud and then proceeded to repeat what I'd said 2-3 times in a tone that can only be described as well, BITCHY. I don't know if what I was saying was quite that incredulous, but you sure seemed to think it was. It was so awesome of you to make me feel that valued, especially in a room full of my coworkers. But what was even better was later in the day when I decided to confront you about it (which took balls, I'll have you know), your mature and non-combative way of addressing it really showed me how you care about your employee's feelings. I will tell you no one likes to gather up their courage to confront someone about their rudeness and then be asked to "define rude" more than I do! Too bad I forgot to bring my dictionary. I had to resort to imitating your facial expressions and mannerisms and asking you how you would feel if someone responded to your comments that way. To which of course, I got no answer. I love that tactic by the way. Ignore the questions, solve the problem! That's what I always say.
But perhaps my favorite part of the conversation was when you literally pleaded "I just want to be me!" And by "being me" I had to assume you meant "being a total asshole who displays shitty antagonistic behavior to anyone who works under me". Good luck being you, I hope it wins you lots of respect and admiration in your professional life. Hasn't worked so far, but keep trying.
And lastly, you ended that conversation by asking me if anyone else thought you were rude during the meeting. I was so done with trying to have a productive conversation with you at that point, I just let it go and said no. If I had felt up for the challenge I would have responded with 1) Doesn't fucking matter what anyone else thought you idiot, it's how I felt and how I feel doesn't depend on other people's perceptions. And 2) Yes, I did actually check in with a few other people, who I would never give you the names of, and they all thought you were a douchebag during that meeting.
Oh but you, it never ends with you, does it? This week you have bugged me about responding to an email from you. An email in which you asked me to meet with you for a few minutes. I ignored your email. Intentionally. Do you know why? Because you ignore 90% of emails that I send to you asking for specific information. There are things I asked you a month ago that you haven't even bothered to reply to. Yet you have the time to hound me about some piddly little 5 minute meeting in which I'm sure you will use to berate me some more. Or spout off about topics you know little to nothing about. Also, if you want a meeting with me, use the calendar. YOU are the ONLY person here who does not appear to have grasped the concept of a meeting request. Outlook is not new technology and you should be ashamed of yourself for not knowing how to use it.
Look, I realize this letter has taken on quite an angry tone. I just can't help it. I am angry. I really hate you. But sometimes you do manage to take the edge off my hatred. So I will end my letter by saying thank you. Today in that meeting when you actually started singing someone's name for no apparent reason and we all got uncomfortable for about 10 seconds before nervously giggling (except for me, I NEVER smile or laugh at anything you do, on purpose), it was so amazing and surreal and wonderful! In fact, it called to mind another crazy woman I am in awe of. Are you familiar with Tyra Banks? Have you seen her modeling show? Because she, like you, often breaks out into song for no apparent reason and, also like you, tends to speak in random, off the wall accents.
Then later, when a coworker and I overheard you on the phone, speaking in a squeaky high pitched voice that seemed to get higher and higher the more you talked, it made my day. It was what inspired me to write this letter. I was sitting here reflecting on a what a truly bizarre and horrid person you are and well, I had to put it down somewhere. You understand right? I knew you would.
From the bottom of my cold black heart,
QuietlyMalcontent
P.S. The loud and constant snapping of your gum is a fabulous new habit. Keep it up!
