Enthusiasm

I know that Lorraine classifies people as "negative" and "positive". I know this translates to "people who ask questions" and "people who kiss her ass." And I know you're all wondering, "Hmm, I wonder what category QM falls into?"

I guess it is my negativity getting the best of me when I have a violent, angry, and slightly nauseous reaction to every email Anthony sends. I don't know what's going on with him lately, but I feel like someone who actually cares about his well being (anyone? .......anyone?) should check in with him. Questions they might want to ask:

"Are you taking your medication every day?"
"Have you been seeing your therapist regularly?"
"Are you using crystal methamphetamine?"

What would lead someone to ask these questions? Well to be honest his emails have taken on an increasingly frightening tone since July, when he took over as "V.P" or "God" or whatever the fuck he is here now. I don' t know if the pressure is getting to him, but the enthusiasm in his emails is freakishly out of place and he has begun to surpass Lorraine with his use of exclamation marks. Oh, just look for yourself.

In response to an email about a casual workwear week:

jeans all week?!!?

count me in!

we should consider a 'casual fashion' show with a cover charge for a fundraiser..

-A

Then there's this weird example of an apology:

My apologies. That’s what happens when you don’t eat your vegetables.

Be aware!

;)

Have a fun weekend!

In response to a vote about what to do on staff appreciation day:

Bowling yay!!

Viva bowling!

Vote bowl.

-A

In response to someone announcing their last day as an employee:

Can we come to you for legal advice with our non profit discount card on hand?

We will severely miss you S____!

You have been doing a fantastic job being the job-placing-machine along with S____!

Don’t suffer too much with the sunny beaches down there!

-A

In response to a notice about leaving the office by 4 on a Friday:

Out of the office by 4 on Friday?!?!

I’m so suffering in pain.

:P

Hehehe.

In response to some boring bullshit about policies:
Sí -se-puede!

Sí-se-puede!

In case you don't know, Si-se-puede means "Yes, we can!" in Spanish. It has recently become sort of mantra which Anthony literally tells us (and himself) every day.

This was sent out about some weird French people that came to our office to help us with our layout:

Hello.

Antoine and Hellen (say bon jour!) are here from the architectural firm that is helping us with redesigning our office space (pro bono!!!)

Please don’t mind them as they take measurements and pictures of the space.

They’re very nice.

This was about a pretty normal meeting we had. I think the only "amazing" thing about it was that someone had a good idea and Anthony didn't shit all over it.

This was an AMAZING meeting.

Thanks so much for your input and amazing ideas.

R__________, you rock!

-A

And this little gem is his most recent, and most manic email. It is in response to the announcement that we are having a trivia contest in which the winner will be announced on Friday.

Excitiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!

WHO?????? WILL BE THE WINNER!!?

To make things worse, apparently now we are being told how to be during his meetings.

From last week:

Please note that this training will take 1 and a half hours.
9 to 10.30 am.

Bring a smile!
See you there…

Thanks,

-Anthony

From today:

Bring your lunch, bring all possible info you may need for this meeting:
Current service descriptions
Previous handouts
Forms
External info (research, case studies, etc)
Smiles, good energy

And to this I must say, of all the things Anthony and Lorraine love to be in control of, they will never be in control of my spirit or my facial expressions. And that is all I have to say about that.

You know, I just want to say, sometimes I write things here and I second guess myself. I wonder "Will anyone find this funny?" and "Is the absurdity of this as obvious to everyone else as it is to me?" And with this Anthony stuff I want to explain that from any normal person, these overly enthusiastic emails would seem harmless and less annoying. But you have to understand that these shiny, happy messages are being sent from someone who spends 99% of his time at work making other people feel like crap. He bullies and he is a control freak and he is not full of all the "good energy" he requires of everyone else. So while these emails seem harmless, they are also a completely insulting slap in the face to the people who have to work with him. These people who have to deal with his shitty attitude in the rest of their interactions with him.

I'm done ranting for the day. I will continue with the rest of my wretched work day because as Anthony says "YES I CAN!"

Beasty

So I'm at my desk this morning and I look up and I see the back of someone. I don't really recognize this person. This person has long, ratty, wild hair and a humongous ass. This person scrambles away, and I don't get to see their face. I'm a bit bewildered. Who was that? What are they doing here? Where did they come from?


A little while later, I see out of the corner of my eye, over the wall of my cubicle, some more of that wild hair, and a pair of big creepy eyes underneath. OMG it's Lorraine!

Yes, today, she took her hair down and holy crapola people, it was like I was in some new universe where drag queens and centaurs procreated and made a whole new breed of.....beasts.

Yikes.

If only I could take a photo for you. But that would be so very dangerous, and probably illegal.

So instead I made this. I apologize for the crudeness, I am no artist. But this is what has been in my head all day, as that beast lumbered around the office, bossing people around and guffawing at her own jokes. Also, I realize that looks like some kind of bowler hat, but it's supposed to be her infamous safari hat, it's the best I could do.

Until next time...

Found Objects

I was in the middle of a meeting with someone and glanced over at this big empty box. The kind that is used to carry several lunches to an office. In it was a list of food orders. Luckily, it was a lunch that involved Anthony and Lorraine.

My eyes went directly to Anthony's order which is, I shit you not, written as follows:

"LARGE SALAD WITH SALMON + cranberry sauce!!
w/ NO lettuce
NO beats (sic)
NO mushrooms
YES everything else
PLEASE! don't forget the cranberry!!"

Okay. Wow. How many things are wrong with that order? I want to vomit just thinking about it. Salmon and cranberry? What? Also, I LOVE a salad with NO LETTUCE!

So I read that and after I regained control of my gag reflex, my eyes wandered down to Lorraine's order. Oh what could she possibly want to eat? How does she keep her strength up? Well here's what it says next to Lorraine:

"Same as Anthony."

Seriously.

I proceeded to stifle my laughter for the next five minutes until my meeting was over. I made sure no one was watching and I snatched the piece of paper, put it in my pocket and brought it directly to my desk so I could type this up.

Thank you Lorraine and Anthony. You two are the most awesomest morons I've ever known.