No, We Can't!

Well friends, it's been a long time. Too long of a time I'm told by many of you. I do apologize and let me explain.

First of all things around here have shifted. I don't want to say they've changed, because essentially nothing is really different. Since my last entry I had an encounter with Lorraine and I was what was probably the most blunt I've ever been with a person. And somehow, that conversation ended up benefiting me. So without getting into all the boring details, I will sum it up by saying I gained a tiny amount respect from that monster and therefore, the beast is off my back. Unfortunately, once someone realizes you are not the idiot they had written you off to be and actually have many things to offer, they realize how much work they can dump on you.

Our agency is being audited this month by an organization I'm going to thinly veil the name of and call BARF. Lorraine has known about this audit all year yet she and Anthony picked the last 6 weeks to get everything in order. Needless to say, it's been a hectic 6 weeks. And truth be told, no one feels very confident about any of it. And with the chaos of the last 6 weeks, believe me, Anthony has done nothing but continue to be the egomaniacal, arrogant piece of shit that he has been since he started working here. We all continue to be victims of his condescending emails and belittling arguments (that usually take place in group meetings). And as always, the negativity always comes with the smarmy, slimy and insincere bullshit that he blows hard at all of us afterwards in an effort to... I don't know, make up for it? I really can't wrap my brain around why he does anything he does, so it's anyone's guess. But I will say that if I get one more email from him with the words "positive energy" in it, I may consider committing a violent act. Or I may just continue down the road of turning into Milton from Office Space. You might end up finding me wandering around, confused, muttering threats of setting this buidling on fire, and talking about my sthapler.

So what I'm trying to say is that it's been a busy time and that's why I haven't written. But listen, this week has been inspirational. I feel a renewed sense of hope for the future and faith in humanity. Why do I feel that way you ask? Oh no, no, not because of that election business, sillypants! I feel this way because of Anthony.

I got to work yesterday morning and this was in my inbox.

From: Anthony
Sent: Wednesday, November 05, 2008 2:52 AM
To: All Staff
Subject: BARF-ready

Inspired and moved by an extremely powerful speech, and by the overflowing energy covering the streets of __________ last night, I couldn’t but to relate this moment in the history of this country –and in the history of the world–, to the history of [our agency]. Like this nation, we have faced and continue to face extreme challenges as an organization. People before us have done a remarkable job on setting the foundation and the value system under which [our agency] has been successfully operating for a quarter of a century. We live in a new set of circumstances now. These are different times, we are different people, and we are facing different challenges. It is our role to leverage on what others did before us to address the new challenges.

One of these challenges is BARF. Less than 6 months ago, after recovering from a sour experience with [funding agency], and while processing the loss of key, significant and meaningful people in the organization, we collectively engaged in the adventure of becoming BARF-ready. Led by our tenacious CEO, the whole agency participated in every possible way to change whatever needed to be changed; to learn whatever needed to learned; and to do whatever need to be done.

Every one and each of us did our share. A____ facilitated the chart audits, N______ made us OSHA compliant, F______ audited and corrected accounting documents, L_____ built panel walls for the upstairs area, we all played Jeopardy, and Who Wants to be a BARFlionaire?

The BARF surveyors will be here tomorrow. Look around you. We’re BARF-ready! It was our collaborative effort what brought us here. We are looking pretty good. We took care of things and now it’s just a matter of see how it goes.

There are many lessons to be learned from this BARF-journey, but what I think is the most valuable lesson, is the lesson of teamwork. We all have our own styles and personalities. We are all individuals with a set of skills and experience and personal challenges. And we all have very valuable contributions to this organization, and to our clients; and to society, and to one another. I am hopeful and almost certain that we will continue to overcome our challenges together, as one team, as one [our agency]. Like this country, we are moving in the right direction. We are adding to the foundation of [our agency] for better times and better things to come. We'll get there, together.

SI SE PUEDE!

Yeah, let that sink in. Read it again. Think about who wrote it. To those of you who know him, really, did you vomit a little bit? I bet you did. I apologize for that but it was my response too.

First let's point out that this was written at 2:52 am. I like to imagine that Anthony, still high from his amyl nitrate poppers and the wild, gay, celebratory sex he just had, came home and was inspired to stay up a little longer and write this. Yeah, I said it, and you probably laughed. What?

Now let's list the misconceptions, shall we?

1. That this agency is EXACTLY like this nation. What a reasonable comparision to make! Let's think about it. Our staff is a veritable melting pot of different races and cultures, led by a clueless and ineffectual idiot with a power tripping little troll of a man who has Hitler-esque tendencies as her second in command. Wait......uh.... maybe he actually hit the nail on the head there.....

2. Yes, we "processed" the loss of "key, significant, and meaningful" people by denying they ever existed. And before they left, we kicked them out of the office by disrecpectfully asking them to work from home so as not to "confuse" staff about who is really in charge. AND, we threw such people going away parties that Lorraine and Anthony didn't even bother to attend. If they had they would have witnessed many tears shed and a bigger sense of loss than either of them can hope for on the day when they finally get the fuck out of here.

3. Tenacious CEO. Enuff said.

4. Teamwork. I am almost as sick of hearing Anthony use this word as I am hearing him use the word synergy, or any of his other tired ass words and catchphrases. You want to know what Anthony's idea of teamwork is? Delegating loads and loads of work onto people because he doesn't have the know-how to do any of it himself, waiting until they do the work, then criticizing the shit out of it but excusing that as "part of the creative process." Teamwork. Right.

5. "Like this country, we are moving in the right direction." I mean, is it not bad enough that this whole email sounds like some bizarre acceptance speech that he has to actually compare our agency to the USA? And anyway, telling yourself something over and over does not make it so. The truth is no one knows what direction we are heading in, not even him and Lorraine. We all only sense that is a bad direction.

And lastly, the SI SE PUEDE thing has simply got to stop. Like immediately. In fact if you have any suggestions about how I can successfully stop Anthony from ever using this phrase again, I would appreciate it if you'd drop me a line.

So friends, as you can see, I've been away, but not a one thing has changed. At least not for our agency. As for our country, well yes, I will admit I am very excited about the possibilities. And at the end of the shitty work day, at least I have that bigger picture to look at.

Until next time!

Gratefully yours,
Q.M.