The Art of Deflection

I was going to try to edit this into more of a summary of a conversation I had with a coworker about Anthony. But I realized it would be better to just have it laid out for you in original form.

coworker: I just had a meeting with anthony
me: how was it?

coworker: so I scheduled 30 minutes to talk to him. I wanted to ask him what the meaning of the word collaboration meant to him. i swear that's what I asked him. then he went into this long talk about how our business should be synergistic

me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA

coworker: and I said I was referring to his relationship with each one of us

I wanted to make sure I understood the difference between us and the interns. Are we collaborating at implementing his ideas?

He said no no no nononono. I said this is how I understand what you say. I want to let you know that his response is that maybe we should create a glossary of terms and definitions in tomorrow's meeting, hahahahah

me: omg!

coworker: YEP!

me: cuz that's a constructive use of time. what the fuck? did you laugh?

coworker: I said what might be better is giving everyone an opportunity to tell you one of their biggest concerns or frustrations as a result of all the changes so we can "collaborate" on a way to move forward or clear the air. he said "i don't know how we will do all that in one hour and I don't want to sit around talking ideas and then getting nothing done."

me: oh but creating a glossary is getting something done. what does he want to get done so badly?

coworker: he wants to construct a 20 foot statue of himself

me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

coworker: like the pyramids, and we will do it out of love for him

me: oh man, what are we gonna do?

coworker: I tried really hard to be constructive today, REALLY HARD

and he missed the whole thing. I was like "if you do not do this you will have a team that will see it as US and YOU."

me: he has zero intuition, and zero listening skills. i wish he would just come out and say, "i want you to do what i tell you" and then we can stop pretending he wants our ideas

coworker: yeah, seriously, it's exhausting

coworker: he only wants meetings so you can puff his ego

coworker: oh yeah, anthony's response to my feedback that we feel he is pushing things on us without our input: "we should take a half day and go to the park."

me: what?! take a half day and go to the park????? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

coworker: I really wanted to say: "that will do no good if we don't like you." I tried to be constructive with him

me: i know

coworker: oh oh oh, i have to tell my favorite part

coworker: he said he will be moving over to our area soon

me: oh god

coworker: I said, "I don't think proximity is the issue. It would most likely be a bad thing right now."

me: did he have a response?

coworker: deflect, deflect, deflect, he has a mental illness, he only hears how awesome he is

me: he has a personality disorder, as does lorraine

coworker: my poor clients can never hear me when I give them positive feedback,

and this fool doesn't hear anything but how awesome he is

I have never met anyone with such an obvious narcissistic personality disorder. Here is the DSM Criteria. Anthony displays ALL signs.

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. has a grandiose sense of self-importance
2. is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. believes that he or she is "special" and unique
4. requires excessive admiration
5. has a sense of entitlement
6. is interpersonally exploitative
7. lacks empathy
8. is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her
9. shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

Things are about to get really ugly. In the one week Anthony has been VP of Everything he has managed to alienate and devalue every single person that works under him. I'm having hard time imagining how it will get worse.

Punctuation..........!!!!???!!

By now you have read a smattering of written messages from our CEO, so I would assume you've noticed her fondness for periods and multiple exclamation and question marks. Not only does it aggravate those who are very grammar aware, it also makes her come off as a 12 year old girl passing notes in junior high. From this morning, sent with "high" priority I must point out:

From: Lorraine
Subject: Vacation Update
Importance: High

Good Morning!

Just a reminder that I will be on so-called vacation this week, but I will be in and out of the office through the week.......so if you need to connect, PLEASE do not hesitate.....my cell is 000-000-0000...what ever time works best for you. I will get back to you as soon as I can......Have a great week!

What is so difficult about picking an end for your sentence and placing ONE period there? Why must we constantly have to feel like we're supposed to be on the edge of our seats, waiting to see what she says next?

Looking through emails just from the start of this month I found the following examples:

1. If you have any additional questions, please do not hesitate to connect with me.......Many Thanks!

2. And the question is................

3. Until then.........

4. Any questions , please do not hesitate to connect with me.....Many Thanks for your cooperation.

5. Our goal for this year is to enhance the visual experience as well as taking advantage of our collective intellectual talent..............Have I peeked your interest????? (My personal favorite!!!!)

6. Thanks for catching that mistake......Yes, June 23rd......

7. If I have left out any info....please let me know. Thank You All

8. The July 24th date wins.....Please mark you calendars accordingly!!!

9. This is definitely a work in progress.......

Proper grammar deficiency aside, I'd also like to point out what a chuckle it gave several of us this morning reading about her "so-called vacation" and how we could contact her whenever we needed to. Could you be more passive aggressive about your week off? And I'll tell you right now, NO ONE will need to call her about anything because there actually isn't one problem that could come up here that she could actually solve.

Until......next......time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bring On The Laughter!

I forgot to mention that Lorraine's laugh has a familiar ring to it. It sounds VERY similar to this.

I am not kidding.

Simple Questions

Simple questions usually require simple answers. But not around here. I sent an email to Yvonne the other day because I was unsure about whether or not she works full time. See the last couple of months she was on a modified work schedule. Which as far as I could tell meant she worked about 2 random hours a week. She was supposed to go back to full time and notify staff at the start of June. No one has yet seen that notification. So I just asked her myself.

To: Yvonne
Subject: your schedule

Are you in the office full time now? It would be helpful to know for future scheduling of meetings. thanks!

Seems straight forward enough right?

From: Yvonne

Subject: RE: your schedule

Hi

When I am going to be working off site or out I will note the times on my calendar.

Yvonne

Hrm. For about 2 minutes I struggled with whether or not to point out she had completely not answered my question. But what the hell, why not?

To: Yvonne
Subject: RE: your schedule

Thanks, that's helpful to know when using your calendar for scheduling. You didn't really answer my question though about whether or not you work in the office full time again. If your schedule is back to full time, it would be helpful for staff to know in case any HR issues come up. If you're still not full time, then it's great for us to be able to tell people when they can contact you.

So she ended up finally replying with an answer. And maybe this seems like an insignificant exchange. And maybe you think I'm overreacting. But think about it, should it require this much energy to get a yes or no answer to a yes or no question?

I don't know if she's trying to insult my intelligence or her own.

Sheesh.

How To Sound Smart

Our CEO likes to sound smart. In fact, I'm convinced that if I went and snooped around her desk I'd find two things. A thesaurus and a book called "How To Sound Smart: A Guide to Fooling Everyone Around You By Throwing Around Big Words."

Of course, we all know, throwing around big words only achieves the exact opposite of that. That person just ends up sounding like Oswald Bates (if the link doesn't work, just search for "Oswald Bates" on YouTube).

Today I received an email from Lorraine. It contained this sentence:

"Anthony will call her to provide options and choices for ameliorating her concerns."

First of all, how is he going to do something I'm almost certain he doesn't know the definition of? Secondly, really? Did you really need to use that word? Someone has been doing the crossword and wants us all to know it.

So then it got me remembering some other gems in which Lorraine had so eloquently flaunted her vocabulary.

From: Lorraine

Subject: Operating From Home

Hey All:

The back is controlling my ambulation today....so I will be operating from home......no hesitations about calling me, please.....Many Thanks!

Seriously, ask yourself, is that how you would say it? What's so wrong with the word "movement"? I had to look it up to see if it was a real word. Why should people have to do extra work just to decipher your lousy one sentence email?! And frankly, I don't care if it's a real word. It's obnoxious to use it.

Sigh.

But then there was also this:

Our goal for this year is to enhance the visual experience as well as taking advantage of our collective intellectual talent..............Have I peeked your interest?????

To which I would have loved to respond - "It's piqued, bitch." I mean if you're gonna use the words then at least spell them right.

She's got a way with words. I won't argue that. Even when she tries to squeeze out something positive, it always ends up sounding twisted and insincere. It's.....it's quite a gift.

Just a quick but deeply felt thank you for your ears at the 1:pm meeting today. The road ahead, although challenging, is full of opportunities. I will be relying on your expertise to assist me in guiding our agency's future. This is a pretty extraordinary organization and with your continued support, we will become extra...extraordinary!!!!

If ideas,questions, thoughts come up, please do not hesitate to send them this way.......Ghandi said it best "We must be the change we wish to see!"

I hope someday I achieve extra-extraordinariness!!!!!!

I will start with my thesaurus and Bartlett's.

Speaking of blogging

Posted by our CEO on the company blog:

A Diverse Approach to Fundraining

Funding in the non profit arena requires a nunmber of distinct strategies in order to achieve success. It begins with the process of research. There are hundreds of fundraising resources on line.
ing in the non profit arena requires a nunmber of distinct strategies in order to achieve success. It begins with the process of research. There are hundreds of fundraising resources on line. ing in the non profit arena requires a nunmber of distinct strategies in order to achieve success. It begins with the process of research. There are hundreds of fundraising resources on line. ing in the non profit arena requires a nunmber of distinct strategies in order to achieve success. It begins with the process of research. There are hundreds of fundraising resources on line.

Does it require more explanation?

I just want to point out here that Lorraine was informed of her faulty blog skills by another coworker a long while ago. As it stands today, it has still not been corrected. To date it has been viewed 41 times.

Oh yes, I expect the funds will be RAINING in soon.

Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love

It's Tuesday but I really wanted to share these couple of emails from yesterday's Happy Monday.

From: Anthony
To: Staff
Subject: Quote of the day

Hello Staff!!

Happy Monday.

I thought I'd share my favorite quote of the day,

I will strive for awesome, but let me get some more coffee.

-- Yvonne

Yes, this is what we have to read on our cranky Monday morning. The irony around here can be quite staggering. If only coffee could make her awesome.

Then of course, later in the day, a flurry of emails from our very own CEO. I edited it so only the most entertaining parts are included.

From: Lorraine
To: Management Staff
Subject: Management Meetings Update

There have been some concerns on how these meetings to date seem to drag on. As in our general staff meeting, we will rotate meeting facilitation & minute taking. WE will keep each other to the tasks at hand, re-establish ground rules, conduct check-ins, delineate action steps, and move full steam ahead. The following principles, taken from Don Miguel Ruiz's "the Four Agreements", can provide us with a wee pathway for getting started:

1. Be Impeccable With Your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don't Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don't Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

What I am requesting from each of you is an assurance that every effort will be made not to leave the room with unclarified questions regarding agenda topics discussed or if you require to think over that which has been stated, to be proactive, validate and communicate to the group the results of your individual processing.

"There may be gold in them thar hills" and it should be shared.

P.S. Remember this is a learning organization, but each of us must be willing to teach as well as to learn.

P.P.S. Laughter does have a significant place in our universe, bring it on!!!

I'll give her one thing, as a friend put it, she does bring the laughter. In fact if I had a nickel for every unintentionally funny thing said or done round here...

You get my point.

An Introduction

I work in an office. Recently it has become the most absurd, inept, and awful work environment I have ever witnessed. Slowly but surely things have begun to fall apart as turnover rises, bad decisions get made, and the power structure shifts so that there are now less people at the top, making all those bad decisions.

All that being said, despite how horrible it has become it has also become a joke. It's as if I'm trapped in a TV show and people say and do things here that I wish I could record for the world to see. If this place had an audience people would surely be laughing (and cringing).

I will give you a breakdown of characters and a brief history to set the stage. Please note all names have been changed to protect the ineffectual (and innocent).

Lorraine
CEO of non-profit serving people with disabilities. Hired onto the team to provide leadership and bring in money for the agency. Has raised zero dollars and increased turnover. She has an intimidating presence in the office, only made worse by her towering frame, gigantic bosoms, odd fashion style, tendency to give you the "crack eyes", and an array of hideous hat wear.
Likes: Safari hats (preferably from Disney's Kilimanjaro Safaris), 24 hour support bras, catch phrases, self help books, Pretty Woman, ringtones she can dance to, mumbo jumbo.
Dislikes: Wit, subtlety, listening to reason, integrity, people who question her.

Yvonne
Director of Human Resources. One would think the title speaks for itself. In fact, when most people think HR, they think organized, professional, detail oriented. Well think again suckers! Yvonne does it her way, which actually translates to not doing it at all. Behind that saccharine smile is someone who is very aware of the job they are not doing, but still getting paid to do it!
Likes: tissue box cozies (preferably handmade, in peach satin and lace), revealing shirts, not showing up for meetings, triple booking herself several times a day, ignoring emails, shirking responsibility
Dislikes: punctuality, preparation, being articulate, respecting other people's time and workload

Anthony
Formerly the IT guy, now apparently VP of Everything! Although it must be noted there is no P of anything. In one month, this man has gone from setting up people's emails to running the whole agency. Lapdog of Lorraine, he has now taken on running the agency's programs and supervising several people, without any experience in either. Possesses what might possibly the largest ego ever witnessed. Is most likely closeted and constantly wears clothes that are much too tight in all the wrong places.
Likes: Anthony, using the word "synergy" in every day conversation, positive attitudes, business school books, thinking outside the box, his own brilliant ideas.
Dislikes: people who aren't Anthony, opposition, clothes that fit, learning, listening, respecting years of hard work that was done before he was around.

Paul
Sometimes it's hard to say bad things about Paul, because really at the end of the day, he's quite harmless. But therein lies the problem. He's a vacant and genial sycophant. I don't know what else to say about him other than that. He's a friendly guy who produces absolutely nothing. His job is to help Lorraine raise money. So far all I've seen him do is laugh at Lorraine's jokes and cash his paychecks. I'm sure he's given her a foot rub here and there. He also holds a title that starts with VP, however, there is not one P in the entire agency.
Likes: smiling, nodding, smiling, nodding, smiling, nodding........
Dislikes: checking things off to do lists, the bigger picture, conviction, loyalty.

Okay, I'm all tapped out for today. Hopefully that sets the stage somewhat for people. Of course, over the course of the next few months as I paste actual emails (which I swear, I will not have to edit to make any funnier because truth is always stranger than fiction) and tell stories about day to day goings on you will start to know these people. You will start to see why I have chosen to vent my frustrations here or otherwise go insane. Hopefully it will boggle your mind as much as it does mine!

-QuietlyMalcontent