Greetings

It's been pretty Anthony heavy round here so here's some Lorraine cheer for you. I signed her birthday card the other day and peeped at what people were writing in there.

Paul signed it twice by accident. Yvonne signed it after she took her happy pills.

Paul #1: Happy B-day Lorraine! Do something special for yourself

Paul #2: Dear Lorraine, Here is to a birthday and New Year bringing all your dreams coming true.

(wha?)

Yvonne: Lorraine, No words can express the happiness, joy, hope, fun and excitement that I wish for you on your special day! You deserve ALL of it. Here's looking to another wonderful year lead by you. Happy Birthday

Randoms:

"Happy Birthday to a very bright, dynamic, and sassy take charge woman. Keep wearing those caps and hats, and please keep leading us on."

"Oh! To be 39 again. Happy Birthday."

"I would have guessed 29. Have a great bday"

Dynamic Communication

I told you there would be more this week. Anthony is the gift that keeps giving. To provide some context before showing you the prize that is his latest email, I'll tell you where this came from. The other day he came to me to run an idea by me. I want to state for the record, that in response to his idea of taking our clients shopping at Costco I was very supportive. I do actually think it's a good idea. My only remarks were that it would be a lot of work to get together in a short period of time and that I wanted to hear more about what other people thought of it. I also told him that I did not want to be responsible for the actual field trips to the store, or organizing of clients because I don't have the time right now. I did say that I would be very willing to help plan the logistics. So here's his email explaining his idea. Make sure you click on the chart link to get the full impact of his message.

From: Anthony
Sent: Tuesday, December 02, 2008 5:23 PM
To: Management

Subject: Food Banks

Hello _________,

You may be reading this message after your vacation. Welcome back!

So you may be aware that as a result of the current economic crisis food banks are having a really hard time providing food for people in need – specially during the holidays. There was a really interesting broadcast on this the other day on NPR.

So I was thinking about the impact that this situation may have on our client population, and I wanted to throw out the following brainstorming idea:

Our agency has a Costco card, which enables us to purchase products (food and otherwise) by bulk at a reduced price (due to large volume).

Our clients may 1. Not have the ability to purchase at costo, and 2. Need the large amounts of products that Costco sells.

So I was wondering if we could act as a facilitator for the bulk/communal purchasing of products at costco that may help clients in need for food who may not be able to access this help elsewhere.

I don’t know if this is something you would want to help facilitate, or if we can get a client to lead the process, or maybe our OT staff, a volunteer, I don’t know, I ran it by [Quietly Malcontent] and she didn’t sound super excited, but it may be something that falls under your guys’ realm, and that may be more beneficial for clients if we act quickly before the holidays.

The idea is (attempted to be) explained in the chart below:

- Clients gather and put a shopping list together, and come up with a budget.

- Our agency helps with the purchasing at costco

- Bulk items get spread apart and distributed in smaller quantities among clients participating

- That’s it.

Let me know what you think,

-Anthony

His chart

So yeah. This is another example of his dynamic communication that includes visual elements. It seems we should all expect charts, graphs, or tables with every email and meeting from here on out. It's the new way.

He has also taken it upon himself to use every interaction as a "teaching moment" (also a phrase he has been throwing around a lot lately). Without this email I would never have known we were in the middle of an economic crisis. I'm so grateful that because Anthony listens to public radio and keeps informed about things, that he can pass that information on to a peon like me who has absolutely no grasp on current events in my own country.

The other thing I learned, and again, I am so incredibly appreciative of this, is what Costco is all about. These last few years I've been hearing about it, and even going there sometimes, but I didn't get why people shop there. I mean, now with this concise definition of what Costco enables us to do and why it is sometimes cheaper, it has blown open so many doors for me. Someone I showed this email to said "I used to just go there for the free samples. But now I totally get it." I couldn't agree more! Teaching moment indeed.

And then there's the chart. I don't even know what to say about it. The word "nonsense" comes to mind. And.... that's about it. If you're going to sit around and play with Microsoft Paint, great, have fun, I like it too. But when you're trying to actually make something useful, that conveys a specific idea, you might want to think it through. What does this chart even mean?

Once again Anthony, you have just hit it out of the park with your total fucking absurdity. Keep it coming. We all love the laughs.

It didn't stop there though. Because that person he addressed in his email as not being "super excited" was ME! So naturally I was, again, annoyed at his shoddy way of calling someone out in a group email. And not only calling someone out, but being completely inaccurate! I mean, were we not in the same conversation together the day before he wrote this?

So I emailed him.

From: Q.M.
Sent: Wednesday, December 03, 2008 11:43 AM
To: Anthony
Subject: RE: Food Banks

Anthony,

As I said yesterday, I think this is a great idea and I would be happy to help you plan the logistics of it. I'm a little bit confused and mildly insulted at your comment about me not being "super excited." I don't understand why you felt the need to make such a comment. I was only being honest with you about the fact that at this time, with about a million things to do before the end of this year, that I don't have the time or energy to actually take the clients out on a trip. I'm sorry if that did not translate correctly to you, but I do think your idea is good. Hopefully this clarifies my opinion on the matter.

Thanks.

So of course it can't just stop there. Like every other time anyone expresses annoyance or even just plain honesty to him he writes it off as a misunderstanding.

From: Anthony
Sent: Wednesday, December 03, 2008 12:04 PM
To: Q.M.
Subject: RE: Food Banks

I’m sorry my comment translated this way to you. We’re obviously reading it differently.

Since this situation relates to ‘e-mail’ communication, I rather talk about this in person to prevent further miscommunications, if you don’t mind.

I’ll come by your desk to see if you’re available when I have a quick breath.

Thanks,

- Anthony

So it's my fault that I took Anthony's shitty comment in a shitty way. How many times does he need to hear that he should work on his communication?! How many ways can it be said and by how many different people? So I tried to just ignore this email, because frankly, I just want to let it go. But now he's making me meet with him today to talk about this. I smell another blog right around the corner. I will keep you all posted.

This is a doozy

Friends,

It has been a wicked awesome week around here. Let me just tell you (and show you with visual elements!)

So we're doing this thing here now where we get to evaluate our supervisor. You basically fill out a survey and turn it in and your supervisor has to show it to their boss, and then also discuss the survey with you directly.

Guess who was recently evaluated?! Anthony! And guess what I have to show you?! His responses, neatly contained in a chart that he created in order to directly address some points that were made in the survey.

Page 1

Page 2

When you click on those, if they're too small, you should be able to click on the image and zoom in. I don't have a whole lot to add about these works of art. I just really really hope you enjoy reading them as much as I did!

Updates

Well it looks like we passed the audit. Last week after the auditors left we were forced to read another one of Anthony's "positive energy" charged emails. Here are just a few snippets of his email:

From: Anthony
Sent: Friday, November 07, 2008 2:48 PM
To: All Staff
Subject: SI SE PUDO!

To add some perspective,

Si se puede! = Yes, we can!

Si se pudo! = Yes, we did it!

You can only imagine the faces around the room: shy smiles, hopeful eyes, I guess we were all waiting the hear the ‘negative’ side of things after the positive things were presented. But… nothing really ‘negative’ ever came.

Team, We did it!

SI-SE-PUDO!

GO TEAM!

That guy never gets tired of his catch phrases.As you can see, I have not yet worked out how to rid ourselves of the Si Se Puedo curse.

You may be thinking, Q.M. what is your problem? What's the big deal? Shouldn't you be happy that your agency passed?

I want to be. I really do. But the problem is, many of us here were hoping we would get a slap on the wrist for our shit being out of order. We were hoping for some sort of wake up call or at least for Anthony and Lorraine and Yvonne (who magically disappeared for the last three months) to be called out on their complete lack of organization and oversight. BUT that didn't happen. And somehow we faked our way through. Or maybe we just got by on all the work that everyone else slaved away to get done for our management team to look good. Who knows?

So needless to say we have now entered yet another circle jerking and self congratulatory phase. I was in a meeting yesterday with Anthony, Lorraine, Paul, and Yvonne (who magically reappeared the day after the audit is done, no joke!). And it took all the restraint I could muster up in my body to not stab myself repeatedly in the eyes and ears. I just cannot bear to hear any of them speak anymore about how great everything is. How amazing! What a great team we are! How well we all work together! I really did expect at some point for Anthony to just bend over and start blowing Paul and then Lorraine and Yvonne to start making out with each other. Yes the thought of that makes bile rise to the back of my throat and I'm sorry I even painted that picture, but you must share my pain!

And onto the subject of Yvonne. Oh, that woman. I'm about to sound like a completely calloused bitch. I know it. But she returned on Monday after three months and for some unknown reason decided to tell me all the reasons why she was gone. She started spilling her guts about how messed up her life is and how it was affecting everything, including work, to which I replied "Hrm, really? I hadn't noticed." Then she said two or three times how bad she felt that she wasn't here to help with the audit. And then at that point I just really wanted her to get away from my desk. But I pretended I cared and that I wasn't totally judging her. I also pretended that I believed she was now going to be able to get back to work and start doing a good job. I'm an incredible actress.

But look people. I've given up. I think I am officially out of hope for this place. Writing this blog has helped me to process and has certainly taken the edge off things. But I have to admit, I was always thinking that, at some point, something would have to give and that things cannot possibly remain this absurdly bad. But recently, I think I've grown up a bit and realized that things often do stay this bad and there is nothing I can do about it. Yeah we're all happy Obama won, but don't forget W was in there for 8 freaking years! Who knows how long this evil reign of terror will last here?

I have no hope left for this agency. And I have no more energy to try to help. The Lorraines and Anthonys of this world may get what they deserve someday, but I no longer believe I'll be around to see it. I declare defeat.

But don't worry. I won't stop reporting from the front lines until I'm officially out of here. Just because I'm defeated doesn't mean I'm going to stop observing and reporting all the ridiculous goings on. I promise.

Anthony likes to throw around the word "amazing", constantly. It's one of his favorites. So to end this on a positive note, I will leave you with something that is truly amazing.

Until next time,

Q.M.

No, We Can't!

Well friends, it's been a long time. Too long of a time I'm told by many of you. I do apologize and let me explain.

First of all things around here have shifted. I don't want to say they've changed, because essentially nothing is really different. Since my last entry I had an encounter with Lorraine and I was what was probably the most blunt I've ever been with a person. And somehow, that conversation ended up benefiting me. So without getting into all the boring details, I will sum it up by saying I gained a tiny amount respect from that monster and therefore, the beast is off my back. Unfortunately, once someone realizes you are not the idiot they had written you off to be and actually have many things to offer, they realize how much work they can dump on you.

Our agency is being audited this month by an organization I'm going to thinly veil the name of and call BARF. Lorraine has known about this audit all year yet she and Anthony picked the last 6 weeks to get everything in order. Needless to say, it's been a hectic 6 weeks. And truth be told, no one feels very confident about any of it. And with the chaos of the last 6 weeks, believe me, Anthony has done nothing but continue to be the egomaniacal, arrogant piece of shit that he has been since he started working here. We all continue to be victims of his condescending emails and belittling arguments (that usually take place in group meetings). And as always, the negativity always comes with the smarmy, slimy and insincere bullshit that he blows hard at all of us afterwards in an effort to... I don't know, make up for it? I really can't wrap my brain around why he does anything he does, so it's anyone's guess. But I will say that if I get one more email from him with the words "positive energy" in it, I may consider committing a violent act. Or I may just continue down the road of turning into Milton from Office Space. You might end up finding me wandering around, confused, muttering threats of setting this buidling on fire, and talking about my sthapler.

So what I'm trying to say is that it's been a busy time and that's why I haven't written. But listen, this week has been inspirational. I feel a renewed sense of hope for the future and faith in humanity. Why do I feel that way you ask? Oh no, no, not because of that election business, sillypants! I feel this way because of Anthony.

I got to work yesterday morning and this was in my inbox.

From: Anthony
Sent: Wednesday, November 05, 2008 2:52 AM
To: All Staff
Subject: BARF-ready

Inspired and moved by an extremely powerful speech, and by the overflowing energy covering the streets of __________ last night, I couldn’t but to relate this moment in the history of this country –and in the history of the world–, to the history of [our agency]. Like this nation, we have faced and continue to face extreme challenges as an organization. People before us have done a remarkable job on setting the foundation and the value system under which [our agency] has been successfully operating for a quarter of a century. We live in a new set of circumstances now. These are different times, we are different people, and we are facing different challenges. It is our role to leverage on what others did before us to address the new challenges.

One of these challenges is BARF. Less than 6 months ago, after recovering from a sour experience with [funding agency], and while processing the loss of key, significant and meaningful people in the organization, we collectively engaged in the adventure of becoming BARF-ready. Led by our tenacious CEO, the whole agency participated in every possible way to change whatever needed to be changed; to learn whatever needed to learned; and to do whatever need to be done.

Every one and each of us did our share. A____ facilitated the chart audits, N______ made us OSHA compliant, F______ audited and corrected accounting documents, L_____ built panel walls for the upstairs area, we all played Jeopardy, and Who Wants to be a BARFlionaire?

The BARF surveyors will be here tomorrow. Look around you. We’re BARF-ready! It was our collaborative effort what brought us here. We are looking pretty good. We took care of things and now it’s just a matter of see how it goes.

There are many lessons to be learned from this BARF-journey, but what I think is the most valuable lesson, is the lesson of teamwork. We all have our own styles and personalities. We are all individuals with a set of skills and experience and personal challenges. And we all have very valuable contributions to this organization, and to our clients; and to society, and to one another. I am hopeful and almost certain that we will continue to overcome our challenges together, as one team, as one [our agency]. Like this country, we are moving in the right direction. We are adding to the foundation of [our agency] for better times and better things to come. We'll get there, together.

SI SE PUEDE!

Yeah, let that sink in. Read it again. Think about who wrote it. To those of you who know him, really, did you vomit a little bit? I bet you did. I apologize for that but it was my response too.

First let's point out that this was written at 2:52 am. I like to imagine that Anthony, still high from his amyl nitrate poppers and the wild, gay, celebratory sex he just had, came home and was inspired to stay up a little longer and write this. Yeah, I said it, and you probably laughed. What?

Now let's list the misconceptions, shall we?

1. That this agency is EXACTLY like this nation. What a reasonable comparision to make! Let's think about it. Our staff is a veritable melting pot of different races and cultures, led by a clueless and ineffectual idiot with a power tripping little troll of a man who has Hitler-esque tendencies as her second in command. Wait......uh.... maybe he actually hit the nail on the head there.....

2. Yes, we "processed" the loss of "key, significant, and meaningful" people by denying they ever existed. And before they left, we kicked them out of the office by disrecpectfully asking them to work from home so as not to "confuse" staff about who is really in charge. AND, we threw such people going away parties that Lorraine and Anthony didn't even bother to attend. If they had they would have witnessed many tears shed and a bigger sense of loss than either of them can hope for on the day when they finally get the fuck out of here.

3. Tenacious CEO. Enuff said.

4. Teamwork. I am almost as sick of hearing Anthony use this word as I am hearing him use the word synergy, or any of his other tired ass words and catchphrases. You want to know what Anthony's idea of teamwork is? Delegating loads and loads of work onto people because he doesn't have the know-how to do any of it himself, waiting until they do the work, then criticizing the shit out of it but excusing that as "part of the creative process." Teamwork. Right.

5. "Like this country, we are moving in the right direction." I mean, is it not bad enough that this whole email sounds like some bizarre acceptance speech that he has to actually compare our agency to the USA? And anyway, telling yourself something over and over does not make it so. The truth is no one knows what direction we are heading in, not even him and Lorraine. We all only sense that is a bad direction.

And lastly, the SI SE PUEDE thing has simply got to stop. Like immediately. In fact if you have any suggestions about how I can successfully stop Anthony from ever using this phrase again, I would appreciate it if you'd drop me a line.

So friends, as you can see, I've been away, but not a one thing has changed. At least not for our agency. As for our country, well yes, I will admit I am very excited about the possibilities. And at the end of the shitty work day, at least I have that bigger picture to look at.

Until next time!

Gratefully yours,
Q.M.

Un-love Letter

Dear Lorraine,

I have been thinking about you a lot lately. For the past couple of months journaling here has helped quell my desire to murder you. It is most definitely a stress reliever for me on those days when you and Anthony are reaching new levels of ridiculous and offensive behavior.

But in the past week, I must say, you have irked me to the point where I feel the need to address you directly. And although you will never actually read this letter, I think just getting the words out will make me feel better.

First of all, I want to thank you for your display of manners last week. It began in that meeting when I made a suggestion and you scoffed out loud and then proceeded to repeat what I'd said 2-3 times in a tone that can only be described as well, BITCHY. I don't know if what I was saying was quite that incredulous, but you sure seemed to think it was. It was so awesome of you to make me feel that valued, especially in a room full of my coworkers. But what was even better was later in the day when I decided to confront you about it (which took balls, I'll have you know), your mature and non-combative way of addressing it really showed me how you care about your employee's feelings. I will tell you no one likes to gather up their courage to confront someone about their rudeness and then be asked to "define rude" more than I do! Too bad I forgot to bring my dictionary. I had to resort to imitating your facial expressions and mannerisms and asking you how you would feel if someone responded to your comments that way. To which of course, I got no answer. I love that tactic by the way. Ignore the questions, solve the problem! That's what I always say.

But perhaps my favorite part of the conversation was when you literally pleaded "I just want to be me!" And by "being me" I had to assume you meant "being a total asshole who displays shitty antagonistic behavior to anyone who works under me". Good luck being you, I hope it wins you lots of respect and admiration in your professional life. Hasn't worked so far, but keep trying.

And lastly, you ended that conversation by asking me if anyone else thought you were rude during the meeting. I was so done with trying to have a productive conversation with you at that point, I just let it go and said no. If I had felt up for the challenge I would have responded with 1) Doesn't fucking matter what anyone else thought you idiot, it's how I felt and how I feel doesn't depend on other people's perceptions. And 2) Yes, I did actually check in with a few other people, who I would never give you the names of, and they all thought you were a douchebag during that meeting.

Oh but you, it never ends with you, does it? This week you have bugged me about responding to an email from you. An email in which you asked me to meet with you for a few minutes. I ignored your email. Intentionally. Do you know why? Because you ignore 90% of emails that I send to you asking for specific information. There are things I asked you a month ago that you haven't even bothered to reply to. Yet you have the time to hound me about some piddly little 5 minute meeting in which I'm sure you will use to berate me some more. Or spout off about topics you know little to nothing about. Also, if you want a meeting with me, use the calendar. YOU are the ONLY person here who does not appear to have grasped the concept of a meeting request. Outlook is not new technology and you should be ashamed of yourself for not knowing how to use it.

Look, I realize this letter has taken on quite an angry tone. I just can't help it. I am angry. I really hate you. But sometimes you do manage to take the edge off my hatred. So I will end my letter by saying thank you. Today in that meeting when you actually started singing someone's name for no apparent reason and we all got uncomfortable for about 10 seconds before nervously giggling (except for me, I NEVER smile or laugh at anything you do, on purpose), it was so amazing and surreal and wonderful! In fact, it called to mind another crazy woman I am in awe of. Are you familiar with Tyra Banks? Have you seen her modeling show? Because she, like you, often breaks out into song for no apparent reason and, also like you, tends to speak in random, off the wall accents.

Then later, when a coworker and I overheard you on the phone, speaking in a squeaky high pitched voice that seemed to get higher and higher the more you talked, it made my day. It was what inspired me to write this letter. I was sitting here reflecting on a what a truly bizarre and horrid person you are and well, I had to put it down somewhere. You understand right? I knew you would.

Lorraine, keep on keeping on and being you! At the end of the day, doesn't matter how many people wish evil things upon you, does it? I thought not.

From the bottom of my cold black heart,

QuietlyMalcontent

P.S. The loud and constant snapping of your gum is a fabulous new habit. Keep it up!

Enthusiasm

I know that Lorraine classifies people as "negative" and "positive". I know this translates to "people who ask questions" and "people who kiss her ass." And I know you're all wondering, "Hmm, I wonder what category QM falls into?"

I guess it is my negativity getting the best of me when I have a violent, angry, and slightly nauseous reaction to every email Anthony sends. I don't know what's going on with him lately, but I feel like someone who actually cares about his well being (anyone? .......anyone?) should check in with him. Questions they might want to ask:

"Are you taking your medication every day?"
"Have you been seeing your therapist regularly?"
"Are you using crystal methamphetamine?"

What would lead someone to ask these questions? Well to be honest his emails have taken on an increasingly frightening tone since July, when he took over as "V.P" or "God" or whatever the fuck he is here now. I don' t know if the pressure is getting to him, but the enthusiasm in his emails is freakishly out of place and he has begun to surpass Lorraine with his use of exclamation marks. Oh, just look for yourself.

In response to an email about a casual workwear week:

jeans all week?!!?

count me in!

we should consider a 'casual fashion' show with a cover charge for a fundraiser..

-A

Then there's this weird example of an apology:

My apologies. That’s what happens when you don’t eat your vegetables.

Be aware!

;)

Have a fun weekend!

In response to a vote about what to do on staff appreciation day:

Bowling yay!!

Viva bowling!

Vote bowl.

-A

In response to someone announcing their last day as an employee:

Can we come to you for legal advice with our non profit discount card on hand?

We will severely miss you S____!

You have been doing a fantastic job being the job-placing-machine along with S____!

Don’t suffer too much with the sunny beaches down there!

-A

In response to a notice about leaving the office by 4 on a Friday:

Out of the office by 4 on Friday?!?!

I’m so suffering in pain.

:P

Hehehe.

In response to some boring bullshit about policies:
Sí -se-puede!

Sí-se-puede!

In case you don't know, Si-se-puede means "Yes, we can!" in Spanish. It has recently become sort of mantra which Anthony literally tells us (and himself) every day.

This was sent out about some weird French people that came to our office to help us with our layout:

Hello.

Antoine and Hellen (say bon jour!) are here from the architectural firm that is helping us with redesigning our office space (pro bono!!!)

Please don’t mind them as they take measurements and pictures of the space.

They’re very nice.

This was about a pretty normal meeting we had. I think the only "amazing" thing about it was that someone had a good idea and Anthony didn't shit all over it.

This was an AMAZING meeting.

Thanks so much for your input and amazing ideas.

R__________, you rock!

-A

And this little gem is his most recent, and most manic email. It is in response to the announcement that we are having a trivia contest in which the winner will be announced on Friday.

Excitiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!

WHO?????? WILL BE THE WINNER!!?

To make things worse, apparently now we are being told how to be during his meetings.

From last week:

Please note that this training will take 1 and a half hours.
9 to 10.30 am.

Bring a smile!
See you there…

Thanks,

-Anthony

From today:

Bring your lunch, bring all possible info you may need for this meeting:
Current service descriptions
Previous handouts
Forms
External info (research, case studies, etc)
Smiles, good energy

And to this I must say, of all the things Anthony and Lorraine love to be in control of, they will never be in control of my spirit or my facial expressions. And that is all I have to say about that.

You know, I just want to say, sometimes I write things here and I second guess myself. I wonder "Will anyone find this funny?" and "Is the absurdity of this as obvious to everyone else as it is to me?" And with this Anthony stuff I want to explain that from any normal person, these overly enthusiastic emails would seem harmless and less annoying. But you have to understand that these shiny, happy messages are being sent from someone who spends 99% of his time at work making other people feel like crap. He bullies and he is a control freak and he is not full of all the "good energy" he requires of everyone else. So while these emails seem harmless, they are also a completely insulting slap in the face to the people who have to work with him. These people who have to deal with his shitty attitude in the rest of their interactions with him.

I'm done ranting for the day. I will continue with the rest of my wretched work day because as Anthony says "YES I CAN!"

Beasty

So I'm at my desk this morning and I look up and I see the back of someone. I don't really recognize this person. This person has long, ratty, wild hair and a humongous ass. This person scrambles away, and I don't get to see their face. I'm a bit bewildered. Who was that? What are they doing here? Where did they come from?


A little while later, I see out of the corner of my eye, over the wall of my cubicle, some more of that wild hair, and a pair of big creepy eyes underneath. OMG it's Lorraine!

Yes, today, she took her hair down and holy crapola people, it was like I was in some new universe where drag queens and centaurs procreated and made a whole new breed of.....beasts.

Yikes.

If only I could take a photo for you. But that would be so very dangerous, and probably illegal.

So instead I made this. I apologize for the crudeness, I am no artist. But this is what has been in my head all day, as that beast lumbered around the office, bossing people around and guffawing at her own jokes. Also, I realize that looks like some kind of bowler hat, but it's supposed to be her infamous safari hat, it's the best I could do.

Until next time...

Found Objects

I was in the middle of a meeting with someone and glanced over at this big empty box. The kind that is used to carry several lunches to an office. In it was a list of food orders. Luckily, it was a lunch that involved Anthony and Lorraine.

My eyes went directly to Anthony's order which is, I shit you not, written as follows:

"LARGE SALAD WITH SALMON + cranberry sauce!!
w/ NO lettuce
NO beats (sic)
NO mushrooms
YES everything else
PLEASE! don't forget the cranberry!!"

Okay. Wow. How many things are wrong with that order? I want to vomit just thinking about it. Salmon and cranberry? What? Also, I LOVE a salad with NO LETTUCE!

So I read that and after I regained control of my gag reflex, my eyes wandered down to Lorraine's order. Oh what could she possibly want to eat? How does she keep her strength up? Well here's what it says next to Lorraine:

"Same as Anthony."

Seriously.

I proceeded to stifle my laughter for the next five minutes until my meeting was over. I made sure no one was watching and I snatched the piece of paper, put it in my pocket and brought it directly to my desk so I could type this up.

Thank you Lorraine and Anthony. You two are the most awesomest morons I've ever known.

Relentless!

From this afternoon regarding our new refrigerator cleaning schedule:

From: Lorraine

Subject: Refrigerator Cleaning

Heads Up, this Friday is the first day of our refrigerator clean-out and I am first.....Take all of those good containers home!! I am relentless when it comes to this task!!:-))))

If only she was relentless about any of her other job related tasks, like keeping her employees and making money for us to operate.

And I don't even want to know what ":-))))" is supposed to be. Is she trying to call us fat?

From Bad To Worse

It has been a rough couple of weeks. I almost don't know where to begin.

Shortly after my last post I arrived at work to Anthony asking if he could meet with me to discuss an email exchange we'd had. He sat down, printed email in hand, circled a section of what I had typed and asked for clarification of my tone. "Is there a tone here?"

To which I let out a long, defeated sigh.

"No, there is no tone."

In my fantasy universe I also added "And I really don't have time for this kind of crap you effing megalomaniac!"
Blah blah blah, a few more minutes of meaningless conversation then I return to my desk. Minutes later I receive an email:

Thanks for making the time to chat this morning. And thanks for clarifying your email. I want to make sure that we are both having a positive experience while working togethera. I know I am, but it's important for me to make sure that I'm doing my best for the experience to be positive for you too. So, please be aware that I am very open to conversations, feedback, and ideas.

Which is the biggest pile of shit I've ever read. Well, the biggest pile of shit I read that week. Later that same day, a coworker missed one of Anthony's meetings. This person was very apologetic and had a legitimate excuse. Instead of listening and understanding, he took that opportunity to pull this person aside to say "Don't ever let this happen again, consider this a verbal warning." Maybe in his business textbooks this is suggested as a way to have "positive experiences" with your coworkers, but in the real world most people don't like to be talked to that way. I don't even like to be talked to that way by someone who is capable, smart, and legitimately holds a managerial position. Coming from someone like him, I imagine it must feel 10 times worse.

I'd also like to let anyone reading know that Anthony and every other member of his management team are notoriously late and/or absent from 90% of meetings they are scheduled to be at. Yvonne doesn't even show up for meetings that SHE schedules. So in addition to handling the situation like a total prick, the hypocrisy must be noted.

Sigh.

So then we had this meeting. It was about microinequities, which I had never heard of before that day. During the training I found out that microinequities describe everything that happens here on a daily basis! Who knew there was a word for it? If you want to read the article we went over you can do that here. The gist of it is that microinequities are things that coworkers do or don't do that make their coworkers feel like crap, by devaluing or disrespecting them. Blatant favoritism is also another form. Here are some examples listed in that article:

• Dismissing the idea of one employee only to embrace it when paraphrased by another
• Using a formal handshake with one employee and a playful pretend punch for another employee who will then be perceived (correctly or not) to be in management’s “inner circle”
• Going out to lunch with certain employees more frequently than others
• Not saying “good morning” or otherwise greeting employees
• Checking one’s BlackBerry or otherwise multi-tasking while speaking to an employee
• Addressing some employees by chummy nicknames, and others more formally
• Mispronouncing, despite earlier correction, the name of an employee or confusing the names of two employees
• Crossing one’s arms when listening to a comment from an employee
• Routinely being late for or leaving early from meetings
• Ridiculing accents or peculiar speech patterns of employees
• Continually interrupting employees or completing sentences for people

It was a true test of my will to sit through this training, with Lorraine, Anthony, and Yvonne in the room. Just the obviousness of it all staring us all in the face. I kept wondering, how can these people sit here and hear about all the nasty things they do to their coworkers without even flinching? Without any sense of irony? Or guilt? It BOGGLES MY MIND.

During the discussion after the training video, Lorraine interrupted a coworker at least twice without apology. In addition I observed her rolling her eyes, looking at the clock, and also staring off into space while the person leading the discussion was talking. I almost thought she was doing some role playing for us. Sadly, she wasn't.

Again, sigh. I just sigh all the time. I'm a sigh machine.

For the first time since Lorraine started working here ALMOST TWO YEARS AGO, she has finally figured out how to make her Outlook calendar viewable to other people. It was like getting an early Christmas present. It has been entertaining, and also enlightening, to have my suspicions about Lorraine's complete ineptitude with technology confirmed. It's also nice to see that she gets her nails done on Thursday mornings, during work hours, and probably pays for it with the company credit card. Sure, NAILS could be an acronym for something. A friend of mine came up with a few possibilities:

Needy Africans In Lube Slings

Neurotic Albino Indian League Society

Nasty Areola Insect Ladies Sect

But I really just think it stands for nails. As in finger, or (shudder) toes. I hope she tips well to whoever has to file down what I'm almost positive are cloven hooves.

I have to let you know that while this madness continues day in and day out, to add insult to injury, at least once a week, there is a stream of emails that starts with someone from management sending an email that essentially says "Hooray!" for some insignificant event that happened, then a bunch of circle jerking emails follow that say things like "Yes, hurray, Yvonne spelled her name right!" or "Congratulations to Paul who baked Lorraine a cake!" When these emails pour in I typically reacquaint myself with my breakfast or lunch, depending on what time of day it is.

The last thing I want to let you all know about is that currently the answer to all of our agency's problems are: INTERNS.

Yes, in case you are all uninformed, interns solve everything. And really, how could they not? Take a young, inexperienced, and temporary student, spend tons of time training them to do something, and then watch them leave by the time they get any of it right. Makes total sense. Yvonne now has an intern, apparently to help her do her job correctly. That's awesome. She introduced her protege to all the staff and she could barely spit out my title, which she still got wrong. Let's hope she passes that on as a good work behavior.

Paul now has an intern, which is the most baffling of all of them. Intern of what? Intern of unicorns? Seriously, what is he going to have her do? Organize his paper clips?

But the best interns have been and continue to be Anthony's. I didn't know it until recently but I have gathered there is some sort of Autistic Intern Foundation. It appears that you just contact them and they send 18 year old boys with poor hygiene, bad hair, unkempt clothes and zero social skills out to your workplace. It's been an extremely valuable service and I look forward to reaping the benefits.

Alright, I suppose I'm done now. But I'm sure before you know it, I'll be back with some more moaning and bitching.

Hope everyone's having a good summer so far.

The Art of Deflection

I was going to try to edit this into more of a summary of a conversation I had with a coworker about Anthony. But I realized it would be better to just have it laid out for you in original form.

coworker: I just had a meeting with anthony
me: how was it?

coworker: so I scheduled 30 minutes to talk to him. I wanted to ask him what the meaning of the word collaboration meant to him. i swear that's what I asked him. then he went into this long talk about how our business should be synergistic

me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA

coworker: and I said I was referring to his relationship with each one of us

I wanted to make sure I understood the difference between us and the interns. Are we collaborating at implementing his ideas?

He said no no no nononono. I said this is how I understand what you say. I want to let you know that his response is that maybe we should create a glossary of terms and definitions in tomorrow's meeting, hahahahah

me: omg!

coworker: YEP!

me: cuz that's a constructive use of time. what the fuck? did you laugh?

coworker: I said what might be better is giving everyone an opportunity to tell you one of their biggest concerns or frustrations as a result of all the changes so we can "collaborate" on a way to move forward or clear the air. he said "i don't know how we will do all that in one hour and I don't want to sit around talking ideas and then getting nothing done."

me: oh but creating a glossary is getting something done. what does he want to get done so badly?

coworker: he wants to construct a 20 foot statue of himself

me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

coworker: like the pyramids, and we will do it out of love for him

me: oh man, what are we gonna do?

coworker: I tried really hard to be constructive today, REALLY HARD

and he missed the whole thing. I was like "if you do not do this you will have a team that will see it as US and YOU."

me: he has zero intuition, and zero listening skills. i wish he would just come out and say, "i want you to do what i tell you" and then we can stop pretending he wants our ideas

coworker: yeah, seriously, it's exhausting

coworker: he only wants meetings so you can puff his ego

coworker: oh yeah, anthony's response to my feedback that we feel he is pushing things on us without our input: "we should take a half day and go to the park."

me: what?! take a half day and go to the park????? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

coworker: I really wanted to say: "that will do no good if we don't like you." I tried to be constructive with him

me: i know

coworker: oh oh oh, i have to tell my favorite part

coworker: he said he will be moving over to our area soon

me: oh god

coworker: I said, "I don't think proximity is the issue. It would most likely be a bad thing right now."

me: did he have a response?

coworker: deflect, deflect, deflect, he has a mental illness, he only hears how awesome he is

me: he has a personality disorder, as does lorraine

coworker: my poor clients can never hear me when I give them positive feedback,

and this fool doesn't hear anything but how awesome he is

I have never met anyone with such an obvious narcissistic personality disorder. Here is the DSM Criteria. Anthony displays ALL signs.

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. has a grandiose sense of self-importance
2. is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. believes that he or she is "special" and unique
4. requires excessive admiration
5. has a sense of entitlement
6. is interpersonally exploitative
7. lacks empathy
8. is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her
9. shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

Things are about to get really ugly. In the one week Anthony has been VP of Everything he has managed to alienate and devalue every single person that works under him. I'm having hard time imagining how it will get worse.

Punctuation..........!!!!???!!

By now you have read a smattering of written messages from our CEO, so I would assume you've noticed her fondness for periods and multiple exclamation and question marks. Not only does it aggravate those who are very grammar aware, it also makes her come off as a 12 year old girl passing notes in junior high. From this morning, sent with "high" priority I must point out:

From: Lorraine
Subject: Vacation Update
Importance: High

Good Morning!

Just a reminder that I will be on so-called vacation this week, but I will be in and out of the office through the week.......so if you need to connect, PLEASE do not hesitate.....my cell is 000-000-0000...what ever time works best for you. I will get back to you as soon as I can......Have a great week!

What is so difficult about picking an end for your sentence and placing ONE period there? Why must we constantly have to feel like we're supposed to be on the edge of our seats, waiting to see what she says next?

Looking through emails just from the start of this month I found the following examples:

1. If you have any additional questions, please do not hesitate to connect with me.......Many Thanks!

2. And the question is................

3. Until then.........

4. Any questions , please do not hesitate to connect with me.....Many Thanks for your cooperation.

5. Our goal for this year is to enhance the visual experience as well as taking advantage of our collective intellectual talent..............Have I peeked your interest????? (My personal favorite!!!!)

6. Thanks for catching that mistake......Yes, June 23rd......

7. If I have left out any info....please let me know. Thank You All

8. The July 24th date wins.....Please mark you calendars accordingly!!!

9. This is definitely a work in progress.......

Proper grammar deficiency aside, I'd also like to point out what a chuckle it gave several of us this morning reading about her "so-called vacation" and how we could contact her whenever we needed to. Could you be more passive aggressive about your week off? And I'll tell you right now, NO ONE will need to call her about anything because there actually isn't one problem that could come up here that she could actually solve.

Until......next......time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bring On The Laughter!

I forgot to mention that Lorraine's laugh has a familiar ring to it. It sounds VERY similar to this.

I am not kidding.

Simple Questions

Simple questions usually require simple answers. But not around here. I sent an email to Yvonne the other day because I was unsure about whether or not she works full time. See the last couple of months she was on a modified work schedule. Which as far as I could tell meant she worked about 2 random hours a week. She was supposed to go back to full time and notify staff at the start of June. No one has yet seen that notification. So I just asked her myself.

To: Yvonne
Subject: your schedule

Are you in the office full time now? It would be helpful to know for future scheduling of meetings. thanks!

Seems straight forward enough right?

From: Yvonne

Subject: RE: your schedule

Hi

When I am going to be working off site or out I will note the times on my calendar.

Yvonne

Hrm. For about 2 minutes I struggled with whether or not to point out she had completely not answered my question. But what the hell, why not?

To: Yvonne
Subject: RE: your schedule

Thanks, that's helpful to know when using your calendar for scheduling. You didn't really answer my question though about whether or not you work in the office full time again. If your schedule is back to full time, it would be helpful for staff to know in case any HR issues come up. If you're still not full time, then it's great for us to be able to tell people when they can contact you.

So she ended up finally replying with an answer. And maybe this seems like an insignificant exchange. And maybe you think I'm overreacting. But think about it, should it require this much energy to get a yes or no answer to a yes or no question?

I don't know if she's trying to insult my intelligence or her own.

Sheesh.